Every so often, sometimes more than others, I get attacked by the eating disorder that ruled my life for over 20 years.
With almost 17 years of recovery from the eating disorder, it can take me completely off guard when it wakes up.
I share a lot about my recovery from alcohol and drugs, but I don’t think I share enough about the eating disorder.
Eating disorders are brutal silent killers, and they have their own unique way of not only staying alive but also sneaking up on you.
Unlike substances, that I can put down and never use again, the eating disorder addiction is one that requires extreme awareness and commitment to consistently choose for my happiness.
I’m not going to say that getting sober was easy but what I can say is that sobriety from substances is a crystal clear line. If I don’t drink or use drugs, I am sober. But with the eating disorder, as much as I sometimes want to, I can’t just never eat again. So how do I know if I’m sober from my eating disorder?
Last night, something happened, and within seconds it was like I felt possessed. I became completely obsessed and couldn’t hear anything my kids were telling me. I was consumed by these thoughts with no space to even breathe. This space was the eating disorder and the eating disorder has a voice of its own.
Being hyper aware, I knew what was happening. I started listening to the two aspects alive me in argue. One aspect was beating me up saying everything negative about myself it could possibly say. I heard endless remarks that I was lazy, fat, and worthless and that my body was absolutely disgusting. The feeling that came with it was that I’d rather be dead than be in the body I have.
The other aspect, the one I’d call my higher self, was reminding me that the body isn’t even real. That we are all spirit, we are all one, and we are all equally worthy no matter what our body looks like, no matter how much money we make, no matter what we’ve accomplished thus far. That we are inherently worthy simply because we are.
I was aware of the voice of truth and the voice of lies. And with all my experience of recovery I knew that I had to choose the TRUTH.
I kept turning my attention to the voice of truth but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to stay in my own mind with the two aspects because even though I was aware of them, I was still alone in my experience.
I decided to share and reveal my experience. I was calling out my inner world as it was happening to my kids and those around me. I was sharing how both aspects were alive and how while the feelings and thoughts were consuming me, I could see the insanity of the lies the eating disorder was telling me.
As I was calling it out, I started to take action. I took actions that were putting my happiness and the kids happiness first. I took actions that let my inner wounded child, the one who created the eating disorder, know that she is cared for and that she doesn’t have to relive this. Inside of this, I reassured her she was safe.
And then, it dropped. It just left. The eating disorder voice that was annihilating me just got quiet.
In this state of peace, I saw it. I saw the components which led me straight out of the frequency of addiction into alignment with the truth.
I noticed my awareness. I saw that my awareness of both the lies and truth kept me from completely attaching to the eating disorder, which created just enough space for me to choose.
I saw that I had choices. I had a choice to choose between the truth or the lies. I could have chosen to allow the eating disorder to take over or I could choose to align with the truth.
I also saw that I could choose to listen to Truth. In my struggle to fully align with the Truth, I realized I had to reveal my experience.
When two or more gather, the ego cannot surive. I saw that it was necessary for me to express my inner world and as I revealed my experience, I noticed the space the around me grow and more choices were available.
I saw that after taking the actions towards truth, rather than starve myself as the eating disorder was directing me to do, the eating disorder dissappeared. The action I took came from a deep source of self love, and love for my kids.
I share this experience to remind those suffering from addiction or those who have a loved one suffereing from addiction that just “stopping the behavior” is not only hard to do but it’s not enough.
We need to reveal our inner world. We need to let people in. We need to stay aware of our mind and protect it while also welcoming and loving all of it. We also need to take the next step, a loving step, a step of self care.
I often say that my success in recovery from both my eating disorder and from drugs and alcohol is not possible because of just one thing I did.
It successful because of many things. Without my commitment to being authentic, to sharing my experiences, to choosing TRUTH, to choosing LOVE, to choosing being happy rather than suffering, to expanding my awareness of my self and others, I don’t think I would be sober and free of addiction today.
I can’t say for sure but I wouldn’t want to do it any other way.
If you or someone you know can relate to anything I’ve said thus far, I’d love to hear about it. You can also check out all the FREE guides and events that we’ve been creating to cultivate awareness and connection, which I believe are the antidote to addiction.
We ALL deserve to be happy, joyous and FREE!
